Raising Unapologetically American Children

“Faith is taking the first step even when you can't see the whole staircase.” ― Martin Luther King Jr.

Earlier this month, we celebrated my husband’s 50th birthday. He was born in 1968. The year that Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was killed in cold blood because of the ethical, uplifting, powerful, non-violent, Nobel Peace Prize winning, UpStanding civil rights leader that he was. As I discern the past 50 years (although I’m 46, but go with me on this) I contemplate what our parents must have been feeling as they started families during that very uncertain post-civil rights, racially and politically charged era in our history. With the James Brown song “Say it Loud, I’m Black and I’m Proud” (also a product of 1968) as a new anthem of black pride, our parents raised us to be unapologetically BLACK, unapologetically FEMALE (for me) and unapologetically AMERICAN, while ensuring that we left no one behind. Two generations later, we as parents find ourselves in the same position.

Now, I won’t spend time recapping the hatred, bigotry and lies that are being catapulted out of D.C. on an hourly basis. You can fill in your perspectives here “_____.” Yet, as a result of our nation’s climate, American parents are spending an incredible amount of time explaining and sometimes distracting their children from the news coming out of Washington. However, the reality is that our children have already been exposed to and are sometimes target of attacks that have been fueled by the country’s divisive climate. Because our children are our most precious and vulnerable population, we must insure that we educate and empower them with the tools to navigate the political tension that’s plaguing our country.

This post is not about manners. This post is about teaching our children to be unapologetic about who they are, what they believe and who they stand up for. As a parent or caregiver, it starts with you. Here are my thoughts.

First, our children have got to know their history. Not just their family history but our U.S. history as well. Don’t leave U.S. history solely to the schools. I say this because the type of school and its geographic location will dictate what type of history lesson your children will receive. I am an educator, so I fully support our schools, but your children have got to hear from you. Consider making connections between your familial/ancestral contributions to this country and where we are are today. Our children must be unapologetic about who they are because those who paved the way for them are the reason our children ARE who they are. Conversations will certainly vary while developmental appropriateness and maturity of your child should be taken into account.

Second, we must recognize that we can’t normalize racism, hatred and bigotry because we are raising our children to be good people. SO much of what’s going on has been unbelievably outrageous. Each incident, more so than the previous. James Baldwin wrote that “It is certain, in any case, that ignorance, allied with power, is the most ferocious enemy justice can have.” I love James Baldwin. Added to ignorance and outrageousness is the complicit nature of many who turn a blind eye or flat out deny the shenanigans. How does this play out in the mind of children? In elementary school, we call that being a “bystander.” Our kids learned this in kindergarten, and know that bystanders are part of the problem, yet also have the unique opportunity to be part of the solution (as UpStanders.)

Under no circumstance should we normalize the complicit, enabling, bystander culture. We don’t except such behavior in elementary school, and we certainly should not accept it from our nation’s leaders. If we normalize being a racist, sexist, misogynist, xenophobe, homophobe, or just a flat out bully, we are teaching our children to survive in a divisive, us-against-them world. This is not what we’re about. This is not what Dr. King envisioned for us or what every generation prior to ours fought for. We are raising our children to be good people which also means teaching them the conviction to be unapologetic. To unapologetically represent for themselves and unapologetically stand up and stand out for others. We can help them by leading by example.

A few months ago, an adult/senior citizen woman yelled at my daughter because she thought she was cutting in line at Yogurtland. Before I go on, I’d like to pause right here and say….really? I had walked to the trash can, so didn’t hear it go down, but my daughter instantly told me, and I immediately walked up to this lady and with a very concerned and questioning tone (accompanied by a cocked-head and a side-eye) and said “excuse me, my daughter tells me that you yelled at her?” When she confirmed, I clapped back and told her that not only did she not cut in line BUT that it was completely and totally inappropriate for an adult, who’s also a stranger, to yell at my child, or any child, period! She was stunned silent and so was the rest of the establishment, which was when her husband stepped in and profusely apologized. Who thinks that’s okay? And how come another adult didn’t come to my daughter’s defense in my temporary absence? Bystanders. There are many directions that I can write about here, but my point is that if I had discounted what my daughter said, I would have sent her the wrong message. That she didn’t matter and that the situation was ok. In a literal sense I would have been complicit with adults and strangers yelling at her. She knew it was wrong and immediately told me. We’ve got to unapologetically stand up and stand out for our children and for others (children & adults included) who don’t have the tools to yet do it for themselves.

My third, and final point is simple. Unless you are part of the 2% of the U.S. population that identifies as Native American or Alaskan Native, the only populations that are truly native to this country, you are the descendant of an immigrant. Case closed! This is not a bad thing, this is a beautiful thing because our greatest strength as Americans is our diversity. The United States was built, literally by your and my immigrant ancestors. Some involuntarily, others not (another post for another day.) So here we are. None of us deserves to be questioned, discredited, overlooked, assaulted, teased, arrested, belittled, raped, shot at, yelled at, harassed, insulted, beaten or killed because of who we are or where we came from. We are unapologetically American.

So, have we evolved since Dr. King’s assassination in 1968? While you ponder your response to the above question, remember that Dr. King left us with many gifts. The gift that I take from Dr. King is the example he set by being an unapologetic pillar of peaceful protests, equal rights and social justice for all. Being unapologetic about who we are, as Americans, is the greatest gift that we have and the greatest gift that we can give to our children. Fill your children with love, hope and the tools that they need to be unapologetically true to themselves and unapologetically American. In the spirit of Dr. King, it’s up to us to take the first step, “even if we can’t see that whole staircase.”

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